Monday, July 14, 2008

Black People are Pathetic: Ask Barack Obama

Since everyone appears to be on the "black people have no personal responsibility" band wagon, I thought I would buy a ticket. I read some of the transcript from Senator Barack Obama's NAACP speech Monday, so I thought I would pick up the spoon and get myself a big fat dose of personal responsibility. After all, perhaps we should consider ourselves fortunate: We are the only group that presidential candidates visit and tell us all the things that are wrong with us. I should have figured it out long ago: everyone else is perfect, and we are just ficked up.

In fact, our fortune runs even deeper than we can imagine, since our presidential candidates have taken notes from the great Ronald Reagan and given us the privilege of looking past everyone else's flaws. We don't have to listen to our president lecturing white Americans on their 50% divorce and child abandonment rate: all that matters are the black men who don't get married. We don't have to listen to our presidential candidates talk about the hundreds of thousands of alcoholics, drug addicts and rapists being produced on college campuses every year: all that matters is that black men are the ones being sent to prison for drug possession. Finally, we don't have to listen to our president talk about how many conservative family politicians have been caught sleeping with every woman (or man, or little boy) on the block: all that matters is that black men need to keep their "thing" in their pants and black women need to stop opening their legs to every man who brings them a bag of Cheetos.

Nope: the personal responsibility speeches are all saved for us. I guess that's the benefit of being so pathetic. It's not like we don't need it. I saw several black boys on TV the other day getting arrested for stealing. I hate it when all those black boys steal. I mean, 100% of the black boys I saw on TV last week were stealing, which MUST mean that 100% of all black boys steal. The white kids I saw on the news were going to college. Why don't black men ever study like those kids? If it were not for the media, I wouldn't have a chance to see just how pathetic we all are. It's a national epidemic I tell you!

I really could use a speech on personal responsibility. Had it not been for my ability to manipulate the welfare system and get an extra check every month, I would never have been able to manipulate my way to a PhD. I am not sure how my trifling mama got a child into Cornell University, another in the Mayo Clinic and a third on the faculty at Syracuse University. If only that pathetic single black mother could have been more responsible. Perhaps then her children could have gone to Harvard like Senator Obama.

So, you black people, please listen: You need to simply accept the fact that you are screwed up and have no morals. Forget what everyone else is doing, your kids are lazy and worthless, and you've never learned the value of hard work in your lives. No, no, no. Stop mentioning all the corporate welfare that our government gives out every year to lobbyists, or the fact that millions of Americans (of all races) were begging for government welfare to save themselves from their mortgage crisis. That might be true, but this is about you: everyone else's government support is not the issue, it's not like you people pay taxes or anything. We would rather talk about the person I saw on The O'Reilly Factor last week who said that they get welfare so they can buy extra crack. See, like I said, black people have no morals.

The focus of this discussion is that if you you were not so weak and worthless, you would not have depression-era unemployment in your communities, we wouldn't have to pass you over for jobs and your black men would not be getting longer sentences for the same crimes. You think that America is being racist against you. Get a life. That racism excuse is old and tired. Everyone knows that racism doesn't exist. We support Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity because they are truly great Americans, unlike that afro-wearing loud mouth Jesse Jackson. It's not as if he's ever done anything important.

So, here's what I am trying to say to you people: Get off welfare and learn how to work. Stop whining about companies that haven't hired a black manager in 100 years. If you guys could actually do the job, then maybe they would give it to you. There is no reason to learn to love yourself, because who you are right now is pathetic. If only you black people could learn to be as perfect as the rest of America, you might just be OK. Thanks Senator Obama, I needed to learn my place.

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